The fukitol pill

Its finally happening (I think). After a lot of deliberation, threats (by The Mother), threats (by me- I will see 'other men'), Kurian and I are getting married. Rather than feeling violins in the background and the proverbial zooming out of final frame into a heart shape before the credits roll, I'm feeling stressed.

Since May, (when the proposal* happened)- I've had to battle The Mother on issues like how we will live (given our meager salaries and extravagant lifestyles), where will we live, my dogs will have to move with me (hmm...), what will I wear (a saree) and what will K wear (A jubba - Sorrow!!! now no Goan wedding with a gown- but a Son-in-law in an 'Indian dress' God forbid!).

September- The Mother has been pacified. She's even excited enough to install a new kitchen, paint the house and redo the flooring. But I'm battling an entirely new set of problems. Me.

Do I really want to? Really really want to?

Illustrating with example 1

Things were going smooth enough. K and I went to watch 'The Devil wears Prada' (which is a good movie- visit the peanut gallery for reviews). Then K excitedly points out to this woman 3 rows below and extols the virtues of her beauty. Hmmm....which is also fine, until he proclaimed this THRICE and we had to follow her out the exit to get 'a better view'.

Alarm bells screaming:

a) Is he having second thoughts? I shouldn’t have arm twisted?
b) But Femina and Cosmo said that my Biological clock was ticking...and at the rate we were going, I'd have babies when I was 40...
c) Maybe he didn’t really want to...the arm twisting must have hurt...Talwakars must be paying off...
d) What if we were to get married- and THEN I catch him having an affair? What then? Ohmygod! ohmygod! ohmygod! I'm not attractive!
e) Guilt.
Illustrating with example 2

Same movie night. On the way home drive. K's generally talking about Monsters Ball. Good movie...Have I watched it (no)...Have I seen Halle Berry in it (no- why?) Oh there’s this nude scene....awesome (mildly interested...hmmm) there’s something soooo wonderfully magnificent about a naked woman’s body- Halle Berry, Meg Rayan (in The cut) ....(alarm bells going off again)...K's going on, seemingly oblivious to my discomfort.

Sulky silence.

a) That’s twice in one evening. I think he IS having second thoughts
b) Am I marrying a perve? Is he hinting at threesomes?
c) Threesomes (mild interest)....but I'm sure it'll have to be another woman (Chee...cheee, erase all bad thoughts)

Spoke with Kavi and Jesh the next day and asked if I over reacted. Being the loyal friends they were- Noooo!!! They also told me that Halle Berry has droopy boobs in Monsters Ball (I don’t know if she has droopy boobs otherwise).

d) K LIKES droopy boobs? That it?
e) I don’t have droopy boobs. Do I want droopy boobs?
f) I give up on reason. Need to give tit for tat (no pun intended)
g) Chalk out interesting plan where I will watch all movies with naked men in them and then casually slip comments like - did you see The Monster? Good movie. Johnny (Depp, not...) was sooooo cool. He had the hottest... whatever!!
h) Jesh and Kartik are immediately given assignments to watch such movies over the weekend and give me 'details'. Feeling very pleased with my POA.

Illustrating with example 3

Another day at work. It’s September. Was thinking that I need to start planning 'The Event" and I have no idea where to start. Felt a wave of self pity and immediately called out to Jesh for empathy. We were discussing the things to do:

i. Design Invite
ii. Decide on colours
iii. Freeze guest list
iv. Venue?
v. Caterers?
vi. Clothes - what should I wear?

Never ask a guy this. Jesh was sweet enough to try and help. He said just pick my favorite color. I said red. RED?? No. Too loud, garish. So we're back to 'what to wear?'

Then, tra-la-la, a very sweet colleague walks into our discussion. You haven’t planned yet??! My wedding was an event I planned for a year!! Its September girl!! What are you doing about your skin and hair?

SKIN & HAIR! I want to burst into tears.

vii. Skin and hair treatments (Jesh is trying to be consoling- At least I don’t have to lose weight)

Illustrating with example 4

Went out to the popular watering hole last night. I drove. Minor skirmish with K cause he didn’t want to go. Conned him into coming by inviting his best friend (humprhhhh...). Other than that all going well. Until I found myself in the middle of a full scale brawl. I'm stuck between the bad guy (stupid bull) and good guy and glance anxiously towards K. Maybe now, he'll step in and save me. My hero!

K's nursing his drink and looking in on at the proceedings. I'm sure he can see me stuck between Stupid Bull and the bar. No hero. The great save happens much later on by K's best friend (double humprhhh!)

K goes back home with best friend because he hungry. Completely oblivious as usual.

Alarm Bells:

a) See? He is having second thoughts...
b) Is he gay?
c) Is this behavior inkling to what our lives are going to be together? Where is the 'rock you can count on?'. It gently dawns on me that the roles have been reversed. I have visions of myself saving K from brawls, driving him to work and parties. Sniff. Self pity thou art be banished.

The good night call got blown out of proportion, as a few choice expletives were exchanged. Sat up till 3 am packing away all the gifts gotten over a period of 4 years, add a heartfelt letter (suffer!) and resolved NEVER to fall in love, get married. And only have dogs for company. And I’ll start watching porn for other company.

Drop off the parcel with K's watchman and spend the rest of the day at work. In misery.

Someone told me, the best way to review any situation is with indifference or humor. I resolve to do the latter. And take the Fukitol pill. My friend Tanya is sending me a big bottle of that from San Francisco.

* Proposal- Arm twisting and holding a May 15th. deadline over K's head